chronicles of dark

2007-01-27T05:04:00.000-08:00

Well I guess someone really wake me up yesterday by telling me that everyone thinks that I am neglecting archery because of anime related stuff. At that point of time I thought, “I don’t believe it, of all people you guys who knows me better tells me that?!” so it was kind of like a “smack in the face” and I kind of wonder what am I doing?

My heart actually did kind of stop at that particular moment, and tears were forming already. Just when I quarrel with my mum this kind of stuff just have to happen. Oh well, can’t blame anything nor anyone.

So thoughts after thoughts ran through my head like a movie, frame by frame I found answers that has always been with me. So smack another thought into myself to keep me going and believing in what I want.

It just that different people have different dreams they will sacrifice to make their dreams come true. At least I am one of those? In between my own dream and an interest of mine, I will definitely sacrifice that interest of mine. Well, not forgetting that in my current situation I also can’t do much sports stuff. I can’t even stand up straight for long, my back just hurts. Don’t know how long I can hold on to also.

So now one thought that holds my dream and my soul together, it doesn’t matter if they don’t understand why am I doing all this, it only matters that I know what I am doing and what I am aiming for. When time comes, I will definitely give up archery so that it doesn’t obstacle my dream of being an animator or a comic artist.

2007-01-11T05:22:00.000-08:00

2006-12-07T05:50:00.000-08:00

finally back! have a great deal of fun today with the 2~ haha its a pity that our numbers are still not right!!

its kinda a special day for me i guess, at least i turn 18 now. its like for the first time, i really love my days in poly esp. this few months. for the first time in these months, i did not have to worry what i say, i do not need to act as thought i am smiling still, i need not frown nor show anything. i just purely have fun. no one reminded me of the stress that i felt when i saw them, no one reminded me of the pain i felt and the loneliness, and i need not feel the hatred too. how i wish these will be the days of the reminding time i have in this life time.

it's just that when i am with them, i dun need to worry what i said or what. when u are smiling and yet not happy, you know that they are willing to listen to your complains.

and i know they have given me a present that no money can buy; their time. i need no physical present to remind me of the times. what i need is just a mental break from all the stress that has been accumulating since long before time. and for just a short period of time, i found it and enjoyed it.

2006-12-05T05:36:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder when one says that one hope things could remain same and yet actions that speaks a total different language, can i still believe it? no i guess.

stress finally creeps into me and yet no one realize that i am really down especially those who i used to call friends. cant they see i am no longer smiling carefree and i am getting irritated easily? no i guess. well in fact i don't really bother that much anymore. cos why should i? how long should i just put a mask for them why should i sacrifice just for a bunch of what i would call strangers?

for me, even if they leave this hell living world, i guess my eyes will be dry without a single sight of moist.

in the beginning i took what initiative i can, so when i stop well, just for a couple of days they bother. soon, do i know them? oh well, at least i know there are people out there who i can lean on and cry.

will they even know that there are times where tears nearly fall? do they know the pain i felt? do they know i am tired mentally? for them fun is what they care. so good bye strangers. get out of my sight, even if i pass by and saw you, don't expect much.

2006-08-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of Archery Camp

Its 1.13am in the morning already. So not going to have a 'long winded' entry. Nearly everyone are already aslept except a few of us.. playing dota.. doing blog. oh ya.. pardon my color scheme.. its temporary. and for the blog entries, as they are previous enteries i don't feel like changing it.. too lazy. =D

have quite a fun day today... but abit torturing for me... i hate jogging... LoL. dun have that much stamina for that....... -_-' prefer to swim.. (water hamster)

Well, today or yesterday was papa's birthday. hehe. they bought flour and water and pour all over papa. and... eh... oh well... some of us ganna too. mama also ganna.. haha.

ok la.. gotta have enough energy for tmr's activities..... it will be a tiring day too i guess... workshops and shooting! so signing off~

2006-08-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder, why is she like that.. a question with an answer that i do not want to touch. yes i find her freaking stubbon, but one thing she doesn't understand, the meaning of failure. i will not do an item that i have no confidence of it and even making the template will cause me time and pain. it isn't a matter of having the template so that the design could be drawn easily. its not. even having it, the shirt is NOT a paper that you could simply trace on it. its a piece of fabric that doesnt have a stable surface. it 'moves'.

from what i see, you are just one who wants everything to go your way. we didnt even say anything about not doing it. we was merely exploring the ideas of whether it could be done in time and yet you were the one who is giving the verdict and yet blaming it on us. your attitude is something that i have been tolerating too. i knew from the start that people do change, but changing for the better is the best isn't what people say. no one voices out anything, its just that no one wanted to hurt your feelings.

i don't know if to say that we have journey something more then you have or that you are simply unable to accept facts. i saw lots of up and downs, success and failure and i have experience it all. having a face that practically only have laughter doesn't mean that i don't have sorrow. i have tons of problems to deal with, the only time where i could have peace is when i'm truly sleeping. and when have i even slept with a simle?

ever tried before being backstabbed by your own best friend? even befriend with one that constently betray you? you might say yes. but at least you have a friend that has been with you since long time and stayed by your side i believe. but for me i could only take in everything with no one to share. this is my past. which i nearly discard when you bring all of them back. and yet i couldn't say i hate you.

2006-08-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

Well, after some time I have finally decided on an update. hehe i changed my wallie too! Kuchiki Byakuya from Bleach!! lol

yesterday when to Kbox with angel and ah zhou.. lol. funny! after like 2 or 3 hours no strength to sing liao.. haha... but have fun then.

after that we met up with the 2 faggots and dory~ when to get our drinks and when over to the riverside and drink! umm... nearly.. oh well.. haha.. not going to say out.. those who were there should know esp ah zhou and angel! =P

ok la... too hungry to think.. i need food first... tata

2006-07-16T05:13:00.000-07:00

This is a 2-in-1 blog entry.. lol

Well, starting from friday's entry, we were celebrating angel's birthday~ advanced version lol. i was kinda funny though, playing the disappearing act with both hwee min and weijian. well then we headed back to campus with the cake~~ (taxi fare was $3.90.. bloody hell peak hours #%^&^#@#%^#&$) and we waited very long for all the year 1s to clear off the field till we ah zhou(izzit? or other pple.. cant rmb) tell us to wait in the canteen, so we waited there till like 8.. hiding.. -_-' and finally everything begins......... .... ... . .. . . . ok i cant rmb in details.
so we sang her a song and she cut the cake and well the torture begins... including the 2 wrapping layers it was 20. (cos... 18 layers for her age!! the other 2 layer.. well... its was just for fun.) took pics and video.. really fun.. she cried! LOL

Sat's entry which was yesterday... we went over to bugis. (i was being cheat out of my taxi fare.. it was 10 bucks.. WTF) met angel first then nearly everyone late.. lol dory woke up at 3 which was like our meeting time... so me and angel went over to mos burger to eat some fries and wait for the rest... ah zhou came first.. then shushu which i guess he needs to change his specs cos he didnt see us sitting there which was relatively near the enterance. then hwee min came and then we left for the arcade. (hwee min has a SUPER fast speed in drinking gassy drinks... ) so we played awhile and weiyang came then followed by yude. well practically tts the number we got that day. cos jess didnt call us... weijian has something important..
ok then we went over to play pool... eh.. ok lame shit.. i dun wanna rmb tt much of tt haah..
well, the initial plan was to go over to Seoul Garden... but it was like pack with people so took quite sometime to decide on an alternate venue which was PastaMania... oh well... have fun there.. haha!!!!

2006-07-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

There are times whereby I do not understand humans, it's always this way... they make fun of you its alright. But when it is the other way round, they flare up. If doesn't mean that I don't show my anger it is equals to I don't have one. When I shown my unhappiness all people can say is don't be so petty la... it's a joke only. But when I just tease, the attitude is there. So what is this fucking logic?

I tried to containing my anger, I didn't say much. So if you understand this fucking feeling, why in the first place did you wanna do it on me? I wish to just tell you this "consider this a revenge".

I do have limited patience, and its best left untouched. For it contains years of anger, disappointment and being backstabbed. A mixed feeling, a feeling that I don't want to come in touch in.

Now I am starting to doubt if whatever I do is even worthy of it? I was tired and I still sacrifice spending my time waiting together with you, why? I was worried. So now to think again, why did I even do it? I can just come up with this LOGICAL excuse that I’m sick and still on medication. But I didn't. I just kept walking by your side trying to let you chilled down, so this is my repayment?

I'm just tired of treating people better, worrying this and that... for its unworthy. I should learn to spend my time WISELY, going home early and do my own stuff for I am happier at home with no one to disturb.

Regardless of what my mum said, I still willing cook for you. I was the one that was being scolded stupid. Do you think I like it? Yet I kept quiet, for I don’t want anyone to felt guilty.

So am I a fool that puts others before myself, I guess 75% of it will be a yes. Maybe I should change myself, to be one that only thinks of me. Since humans are like that. It just isn't fair; well the world is always unfair. But I'm just sick of it.

There are times where I nearly break into tears, yet I didn't. I still smile and act as nothing has happened, maybe I should just show my unhappiness every single time when I felt that it is unjust for me.

Felt its time to let you know, I have emotions that acts upon my every single feelings. I want to cry, laugh and show my anger. I don't need to hide it since this is how you are going to see me, so maybe I shouldn't give a damn about it.

2006-07-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

When to Cosfest V : The Reunion yesterday, it was eye opening for me as this is the first time I actually have a close look about cosplay. Various characters were cosplayed like the newer series; Ouran High School Host Club and older anime like Rikku and Cloud from the Final Fantasy Series. Hwee Min was attracted to one of the Cloud, lol. I was so focusing on Lacus and keep hunting for Trinity Blood character, manage to get a glimpse of it but did get into a close up view of these cosplayers.

Meet some of the Repulicians in the Cosfest, but I don’t really know them. Heard there are seniors too, haha. Angel manage to see Charles (JCIG president) but oh well, the rest didn’t manage to see him and don’t really bother also. There are also people who wore gothic coustumes which was slighty freaky but they bring a mysterious beauty.

There are also booth selling some stuff which is like so KAWAII!! But no money… haiz… at least we 3 bought a similar necklace but different color la. Butterfly one, kinda nice. The art pieces that they sell there are absolutely beautiful! Something that you don’t get to see in your everyday comic store! I saw some dolls which are so gorgeous! I really wanna get that kinda doll!!! But it’s super expensive and I don’t have that kinda of cash, so I guess this have to really wait.

I really wanna go for the next event for cosplay!! This time round me and nu er wants to cosplay certain characters! So we have to convince Angel to join in the fun! Wish us luck!!

2006-07-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since i last blog... well since to begin with, my blog are actually updated when I am either angry or sad... Happy? neh keep it and savour it for myself. XD

Ok 2 scenario....
Scenario 1: a friend left to get something and has argee that everyone shall meet at the canteen. but upon waiting for 45 mins or so, one decided to call one of the classmate to ask if that friend is in class. and viola , tt friend is in class. only tried calling once and didnt bother to call the others to inform them tt, he/she has retured to class.

Scenario 2: a few friends slip their mind tt they are waiting for tt friend but upon receiving the call 2 went back to meet her, all she/he gave was an fuking attitude..

So, who is the one tt should be the one tt give the attitude? Scenario 1 rite.. 3 waited like a fool outside the canteen till the food nearly turns cold. and what was she/he say, called one of them.. well no one recieved the call anyway. if so cant she called someone else? it's not as if only one has brought the handphone down and its not tt he/she didn't know cos the tone was tt of i didnt want to call.. or maybe it was my perception.

ok so i'm not worth the time calling, i am one fool that u think should wait? so if this is the game, i will play it. i dun give a damn nowadays, why? cos i already met people that are of tt calibre. its not the first and it will never be the last.

so do u you dare tell me u have never forgotten about someone that you are having an appointment with.. if you tell me no, i dont believe.

2006-06-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

i never ever beg to be born in this hostile world, if i have the chance again i would rather be return to the void... into nothingness as if i had never existed in this world. tears dropped as i type this entry and i dunno why, what is this feeling that allows my tears to rolled down. bit by bit i'm losing my own personalities seemingly running away from something am i afraid of this thing or am i just sad?

i'm just a human after all i do have feelings... which i hope to discard. i'm sick of everything but i have neither the courage to live nor die. so ended up with mixed feelings... which i dun understand. well, appearances can really decieve people after all.. cheerful the outside but the inside? dull and harden? wonder when i started the so called home.. just wanted to lock myself in the room without anyone bothering me. well at times only. maybe i should put it in this words, i love the cold and lonely home without anyone bothering me and i hate the home with people around.. sounds weird? well this is what i feels with them around i cant seems to feel that this is my so called home. wonder is i'm a person with lost memories..... -_-' i can't seems to remember anything before the age of 12 or so. the times before that are like never existed... it seems so artificial looking at the photos thats why i hated the idea of capturing images. it seems that time has been encapsule in still pictures or time has been frozen at that moment.

guess whoever reads this is leave with various thoughts and wondering if this person is alright for those who know me might wonder the cheerful person that they knew will write this? well maybe some others have other thoughts. after all the universe is so huge that we never know where it end which leave different possibilities....

2006-05-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

today when back bartley to collect my cert. together with ken and kwanchi we took a cad down to bartley (didn't expect to reach before jamie) we went to collect first and when up to the staff room to see some teachers. sadly most went back home already, only saw mr ng,mr alex ng,ms yong,ms lee,mr lee ck,mrs chou and mr seah.... haha. kinda sad acutally..

actually nthg much happen today also la.. wanna blog also abit sian... but anyway my photoshop skills are improving... nt tremdous... but abit haha

2006-05-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

time do fly pass in poly life, its been the end of the third week and soon our UT will beoming. it isn't tt happy for me cos.. I BEEN SPENDING ALOT!! gosh i'm dead meat... gotta start saving alot. used up nearly 100 from my account.. T.T then i havent send the cd for printing also.. no time.. everyday after school already tired, sat n sun also lazy guess next sat better go, i dun wanna delay more. just stressed up cos i have to settle the editing my myself.. some irresponsible fool who once agreed to help and yet who deserted me leaving this workload for me to do on my own.

and i no longer believe if pple are gonna tell me they are having finacial difficulties... it just seems that i'm falling for these lies for times after. telling me this yet getting new stuff... if i were to say i will say i'm the one having the finacial difficulties.... i couldnt afford to change a handphone when mine is already like going haywire. having a laptop also doesn't mean i'm rich! its just that this is for education purpose! rp is a paperless enviroment thus we are in a e-hub where everything ok almost eeryday laptop and net!! (electricity must be high man).

gotta make wallie and edit wallie for 2 PERSON! see la... rp no homework they give me homework.. very kind.. wahaahahaha =X kinda miss alot of pple... cos always too tired and didnt go out.. pple like kala,kor,newbie and ts they all... T.T now got sch.. wnana find them also sian.. unless they meet me after sch at casuseway pt.. then i go.. (too lazy)

oh ho... finish watching chrno crusade.... agree with irvin.. ending is stupid.. but overall not bad.. sad ending both rosette and chrno die... half a year later after killing aion..... ok not going to spoilt the fun for some others who havent watch this anime. =P now thinking of getting trinity blood but first gotta settle gundam seed and gundam seed destiny... haiz.. then need to put back the money i loan fm my own account (lame rite..) haiz... why!!

finally end of the noisy week.. lol. back to peace and quiet for another 4 yrs or izzit 5?.. umm.. by then.. its my turn to do it.. wahahahaha! still long.. nvm... ok end of the post..

2006-04-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

pls paardon my font colors for previous posts.. too lazy to change...

today nthg much la.. lazy to blog.. tata

sayonara.. o-yasumi nasai

2006-04-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

weee~ my first most 'successful' wallie for my blog! found some nice pics and then decided to do the background. kinda like it! comments on the taggie! hehe so that i can slowly improve on my skills~ this bg i spend about 1hr... -_-' more or less. still not familarize with adobe photoshop.... bo bian so slowly learn, bit by bit.

eeeee..... i nthg to blog alrite... its not everyday i'm willing to blog.. but ms angelynn everyday ask me 'you blog already?' so you see, how can i not blog? anyway today blog partly becos of the new wallie that i made. kinda 'happy' with how it came out. (gosh.. its the same..) oh ya.. my japanese name.. akimoto miharu.. haha

ok today's blog entry will end here... WITCH HUNTER ROBIN! *sign out*

blog. blog. blog

2006-04-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

sian... i dun blog someone complain.. see la.. pple blog got freedom, i dun blog i scare someone hold a penknife and *gupppp*.. ARRHHHH!!! CHUCKY!!! neh... jk.. chucky dunno where i stay =x shhh~ *runs away*

today one nthg much to blog la... today enteprise skill, kinda screwed it up haha. say screwed up also not really. why? cos i'm a G-E-N-I-U-S. neh jk.. have a good team, was lucky to have pam in the group and jessamine. kinda fun.. now wait for tmr, hopefully the team remains the same.. so we will have me~ pam, angel, lulu and..... cai xiaodi. ok.. he's irritating.. but thats the only team where we girls can be together. -_-'

so.. new sch, new nick.. tmd.. for cai xiaodi its nu nia PING, for lulu its xiao PING gai and last but not least for angel its da PING zi... which i see no link cos, i'm NOT big. T.T what the hell lor.. haiz.. its alright... its al...right..

starting to think why i didnt listen to an 'advice' that was given to me on a person i know.. kinda think again, its true that what she said. guess i couldn't turn back, and well its a new enviornment in, got great friends and for the time being... SLA-less (jus in case SLA = student life activities)

ok well this should be enjoy for today... my brain is drained for today.. gotta replenish for tmr's presentation! GANBATTE!

25 april 2006 - first post in 2006

2006-04-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

ok... before pple is going to complain that my whole post was on the word 'test' i'm going to change it...

anyway its been a week since i enter rp(republic polytechnic), wasn't having good impression before but i guess once pple get use to things i'll be better. i kinda find the learning system here tiring but due to the high level of interaction between team members, eh.. we cant fall asleep. also time really flies here, before i realise the time its already ending in another 2 hrs which it will be surprisingly fast in passing. the environment here is kinda gloomy (the first step into the sch premises) but once u entered the class... guess its more lively as u can say.

so life restarts for me, a new lifestyle, a new school, new friends and new class. kinda fun you know.. first i know lucia then angelynn then pam then the rest like ain,cai xiaodi(vincent), lao lao(pearl). ok if i am going to type all the names... it will be like 20 odd 30 names...... so i'll skip that part.

but its kinda sad to part with jamie and the rest, was hoping my appeal could be successful. guess if this is my fate then let it be, i'll make good use for it. ^.^ i doesn't matter much to me where i 'landed' , what i know now is most of those i know like jamie, bing and rest isn't in a course that we really wanted. but we are sticking with it...

this let me remember, someone told me this "try everything?! i don't want to go into a course i don't like". my straight thinking was like, "wtf?! laselle rejected you. wat u want! we are not even in a course we like! fuker". so after that i told myself... i'm giving up on her totally, its her life, her problem. its non of my business, i have think to worry about not like her, 'carefree' stay at home do nothing.. i'm in a poly now, i don't have much time for myself. i'm not a saint nor a god.... i need time out too, i wan to be selfish at certain times. i only wan to think of myself.